Blue Origin Launches Mars Probes: So What?

Blue Origin Sticks the Landing: Does Anyone Actually Care?

So, Blue Origin stuck the landing, huh? Big freakin' deal. I'm supposed to be impressed that Bezos finally got his giant metal phallus to come back in one piece? Let's be real, folks, SpaceX has been doing this for, what, a decade now? Are we handing out participation trophies for space travel now?

I saw some of the launch footage. Cheering employees, the whole nine yards. You know, the usual corporate circle jerk. Makes you wonder how many stock options are riding on these "successful" launches. And some poor sap complaining that his view from Jetty Park was blocked by a cruise ship? Talk about first-world problems.

Mars Shot: A Trillion-Dollar Boondoggle?

Okay, okay, so they launched some probes to Mars. ESCAPADE, they're calling it. Sounds like a bad 80s movie. $107.4 million to study...wait for it...how the solar wind is stripping away the Martian atmosphere. Seriously? We've known about this for years! All that money to rehash old science?

And the probes are taking some scenic route that involves flying a million miles out past the moon, and then doing gravity assists around Earth. Eleven months of loitering? Sounds like a really expensive Uber ride to me. Why not just go straight to Mars? Oh right, because that would be too easy, wouldn't it? Blue Origin launches twin Mars probes for NASA as New Glenn makes first landing - Spaceflight Now

Look, I'm all for space exploration, in theory. But when I see these vanity projects sucking up resources that could be used to, I don't know, solve world hunger or cure cancer, it kinda pisses me off. We're worried about the Martian atmosphere while our own planet is slowly cooking itself. Priorities, people!

"Never Tell Me The Odds": More Like Never Tell Me The Truth

The rocket's first stage is nicknamed "Never Tell Me The Odds." How original. I guess Bezos is a Star Wars fanboy. Cute. But let's not forget that the first New Glenn flight didn't stick the landing. So, yeah, tell me the odds of a successful landing after you've actually, you know, consistently landed the damn thing.

Blue Origin is touting this as a major step towards...something. I'm not even sure what. More space tourism for the ultra-rich? A base on the moon? A colony on Mars where they can escape the consequences of their own greed here on Earth?

And speaking of Mars, let's talk about this whole "lost atmosphere" thing. So Mars used to have a magnetic field and a thicker atmosphere, but it got stripped away by the solar wind. Okay, cool. What are we gonna do about it? Build a giant space umbrella? Terraform the entire planet with Elon's nukes? I'm not seeing a practical application here. Are we just supposed to sit around and watch our own atmosphere get slowly eroded while the billionaires play space cowboys?

Then again, maybe I'm being too cynical. Maybe this is all part of some grand plan that I'm too stupid to understand. Maybe Bezos and Musk are secretly working together to save humanity. Nah, who am I kidding?

So What's the Point of All This?

Look, I'm not saying space exploration is inherently bad. But this whole Blue Origin thing just feels...hollow. It's like a really expensive PR stunt disguised as science. And the fact that people are actually impressed by it just makes me lose faith in humanity.